Ive been pissed ever since Manfred the Unicorn came walking out of the forest in a suit and applied for a job. He doesn’t even have a computer and he just sits in his cube and recites poetry or chews apples loudly. Everyone loves him and Alicia, who won’t even return my emails, feeds him carrots and I’m pretty sure they are dating now. I don’t get it. He has a terrible sense of humor and can’t take a joke so of course I was the bad guy when I asked him if his horn was average in size and of course I was the one that had to talk to Human Resources after. I wanted to show everyone that, contrary to popular belief, he didn’t know magic so I asked him to do a magic trick. Sure he said, I can do magic, and then he pulls a coin from behind my ear and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Last night in my dreams I was chased by horses and flies and eventually they caught up to me but instead of trampling and laying eggs in my body Manfred showed up and chased them off. I want to share something with you, he said. He took out a small book I had never seen before. This is your diary, Manfred said, and he started to read my diary and after he finished I felt like all of my secrets were no longer secrets and my shoulders felt lighter and suddenly I had a horn.